Wow,... It's been a while.

So... as it turns out... life doesn't always work out.

I don't know what to do... don't know where to go... can't shut my head off. Actually... I know HOW to shut my head off, but I'm not sure if I'm willing to do it. Seems like it'll create a bigger mess.

At some point in our relationship, I realized that we were on completely different planes in a lot of ways. I needed time to think. That didn't work out well either.

So... here I am. Sitting in my freezing apartment, waiting for the heat to come on... no plans for the holidays anymore... no real companionship to speak of in the near future (for some reason I seriously crave companionship every now and then... maybe I'm not happy being left alone in my own head?). Not that I have anyone to blame but myself. It was my decision, and I made it as I saw necessary. Does it suck? Yeah. A lot. A good chunk of the deciding factor was the distance... six hours is a fair ways. We've made it work up to now, but I don't know. I think a lot of it is just that... I have something of a need to have physical contact with the person I'm with. Childish? Yeah probably. If she was around more, would it have gone the same way? Doubt it. She's too perfect (even though she'll never believe me). Sure, I have my own head to sort out. Sure, she's got her own stuff to work through. The physical contact seems to make it all better at the end of the day though. Without it... the mind is free to drift.

The worst part... is I don't even know if this is permanent or not. I really can't imagine a future without her in it... it seems like my life would be... empty somehow. I'm not going to do something stupid like jump back in... I've put myself through this now... I better damn well make it worth it. I am GOING to figure out what I want before I make any more commitments. It would be so much easier to forget about this and stop my insanity... but that would postpone the issue, not solve it. I need a solution (it's the engineer in me).

As I type this she's probably off dancing... or maybe she found a warm body to curl up with. In some twisted way, I hope she did. This crap sucks to go through alone, even though knowing her she'll force it upon herself, just as I am.

Hah. Too bad my only options for turning my head off involve a whole can of worms that I am simply not willing to reopen for a night's relief from my head.

Closure is something I am bad at, yet something I often crave. I wish I could close this one way or another... although I have a sneaking suspicion that as long as I'm not with her... that door will always be open.

It HAS, however, made me realize the necessity of ending other relationships where the door was somewhat open. I just can't deal with that kind of strain after a while... I know it stressed our relationship near the breaking point once or twice.

Lol. My ranting. She's probably the only one who might ever read it.... irony much? It's alright. Just typing it out has made me feel a little bit better.

For when you DO read this babe... I love you. Yeah I need some space. I don't know for how long. I don't know... maybe by the time you read this we'll be plotting together again. Either way... you've left a permanent mark on my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Hah... to be cheesy... "Who can say if I've been changed for the better, Because I knew you, I have been changed for good...".

Well... off to work on some stuff and maybe eat?

Later,
~Lunar-Reason